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Fri, Jul. 20th, 2007, 10:50 pm
As Promised....

Got this from Kristy's lj. :)


90 QUESTIONS....Take your time..

90.First off, what is your name?

89.What did you do last night?
Played my PS2 and went to bed.

87.Do you have any siblings?
Yes, 3 younger brothers.

86.Where are you exactly?
Living room at my friends.

85.Favorite color?
Burgandy, Emerald, Navy blue, orchid purple, and I like black best of all.

84.What is the 7th message in your inbox?
I dunno, it's an old messege and I can't be bother checking just now. LOL

83.Who sits infront of you in math?
I'm not in school anymore.

82.Who sits to the left?
There's no one sitting ti my left currently.

81.Where is your dad right now?

80. Do you have any kids?

79.Who is the 5th person you had relationship?
Um.... That might've been Tara.

78.Closest black object?
My laptop which I'm typing on now. :)

77.Closest silver object?
That would be my cellphone in my right breast pocket of my shirt. :)

76.Have you ever jumped a fence for any reason?
Yep, I have done that a few times in my life.

75.Do you sing in the shower?
Not for years now.

74.Do you own any pets?
Not at the moment.... Well, my housemates cat is the closest that I have for a pet. Since it's not mine, I can't really count that.

73.How does your hair look right now?
Long and straight.

72.Last time you listened to country music?
As Kristy said, I can't remember.

70.If you could kill someone, who would it be?
Don't get me started..... LOL

68. What do you hear right now?
The TV and a clock ticking.

67. How many drugs are in your system right now?
Oasis said it best, Cigarettes and Alcohol. LOL And probably caffeine from the coffees I had earlier.

65. What are you wearing?
A grey sleeveless shirt and blue jeans.

64. Who was the last person to comment you?
If you mean here and it would make sense that you do, it was Kristy.

63.Madonna or Janet Jackson?
What Kristy said. Don't really like either.

62.Screamo or Country?
I like nearly all types of music.... but never hearda Screamo before. LOL

61.Rock or Rap?
I like both, but I like Rock more and I prefer Old School Rap more than todays Rap.

60.Chocolate or vanilla?

59.Who did you last call?
I use my cellphone mostly to SMS, I dun usually call people.

58.Who last called you?

57.What jewelry do you wear daily?
A ring on my left index finger.

56.What are you doing now?
Doing this and watching Numb3rs on the TV.

55.Who was the last person you said I love you to?

54.Would you die for someone?
Maybe yes, maybe no, can't really say. It depends on the situation I suppose.

53.If so, who?
I'd have to go with what Kristy said. Loved ones.

52.Are you cold right now?

51. What are you thinking about?
Nothen really.

50.Do you have to pee right now?

49.What did you dream about last night?
I dun ever remember my dreams.

48.What are you doing tomorrow?
I have no idea actually.

44.Bedsheet color?
One brown, one white.

42.Carpet or wood in your room?
Neither, mine is tiled.

41.Bad rumor about yourself that you've heard?
No idea.

40.Do you have makeup on right now?

38.Can you do a cartwheel?

37.What is your favorite candle scent?
Somethen sweet smelling. :)

36. Ever gone a whole day without eating?
Yes, I never eat properly and skip lots of meals.

35.America or Canada?
I live in Canada, would like to see the US. :)

34.What makes you mad?
Way too many things to mention.

33. What if you found out you were adopted?
I dunno what my reaction would be.

32.Jeans or Sweatpants?
Jeans all the way, baby! LOL

29.Do you have socks on?
Yes, a black pair.

28.Do you own any big sunglasses?
Yep, I have some sunglasses, rarely wear them, however.

27.Have you ever cried so hard you puked?
Not that I can recall. But I have to where I've wretched, but never threw up because of it that I can remember.

22.Person who posted this before you?
Kristy. :)

19.Favorite TV show?
Star Trek (all of them), CSI (all of them), Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Star Gate SG-1, NCIS and too many others.

18.Do you like 80s movies?
Some are good.

16.Last two numbers in your cell phone

15.What kinda music do you like?
I like almost all types of music, but my personal favourite is Alternative Rock.

14.Are you a crazy stalker?
Not to my knowledge. LOL

13.Best city you've visited?
I dun have a favourite city that I've gone to.

12.Been to London?
Yes, I've been to London.... Ontario that is! lmao

10. Favorite subject at school?
Not sure, I didn't really like school.

9.Been to college?
High school drop-out, so that would be a no.

7.Favorite time of day?
No favourite.

6. Ever licked someone's cheek?
I may have.... if so, then that would probably bee Dana.

5. Watch all spiderman movies?
1st and 2nd.

3.What are you looking forward to?
I'm cynical, pessimistic, I have nothing that I look forward to.

2. Ever gotten lost in the dark?
I think so when I was younger.

1. Do you snore/talk/walk in your sleep?
I've been told that I snore, that was years ago though, so I dunno if I do now. Never walked in my sleep as far as I know. When I was younger I was told that I talk in my sleep, but again that was years ago; so I dunno if I do these days.

And there you have it. :

Mon, Jun. 25th, 2007, 07:08 pm
My Step-sister.... The Rock star

Oh! He speaks after
All this time!
Yes, I'm still around,
I just didn't really
Have anything to say.
Right, as I was saying.
No, she isn't a
Famous singer in a
Rock band,
But she is someone
Who is addicted to crack.
A little back story
Is needed.... Most likely.
I first met her, Amber,
As a child, she is about
Three years younger
Than I and I've only
A few hazy memories.
She comes from
Grimsby, Ontario
And she's the daughter
Of my Step-father
Chris, who with my mother
Had two children,
My brothers Rob and
Anyway, not much to
Tell about when I was
A child with her.
I met her again in my
Later years, this
Was in 2000 or 2001,
All, I remember really
That we got along
And I liked her; she
Was a nice girl.
Last time I
Her was in December
My brother James
Was living with her
At the time.
I remember that
The PlayStation 2
They had needed
Repairs, I don't
Remember whether
the PlayStation 2
Was it was my
Brother Jame's or
I was spending
Christmas with my
Mom and other family
Members and we
Stopped off at Amber's
Place in Lambeth,
Ontario, which
Is a small town near
Anyhow, Amber was
Always a nice person
That I can remember
And I liked her
Just fine.
Well, that's enough
Of that.
So last week, I was
At this place in which
I hang out at
Frequently and at
This place you can
Find all sorts of
People about.
Those addicted to
Crack the most common.
I had just finished
Lunch and was out
Front of this place having
A smoke, when I notice
I had seen her over
The past few weeks and
I couldn't remember
For the life of me why she
Looked so familiar.
She was talking to some
Guy and I was trying to
Figure out why she looked
Over the past few weeks
I'd always given thought
That she looked like
A family member and I was
Thinking of my step-sister,
But I always shrugged it
Off, thinking I was wrong.
So, here I was, thinking, yet
Again, that she looked like
Who I was thinking about.
I couldn't remember her name,
And I thought 'she really
Does look like her.... What
Was her name?'
And, the guy she was
Speaking to, as if reading
My mind, said 'Amber'
And I thought 'that's it.
My God! It's her!'
Over the weeks, I'd
Noticed she didn't
Look as healthy as she
Had back in
December of 2002
And she had a slight
Jerky movement to
Her and I'd seen
It more times than I'd
Like from other people
And immediately knew
That she was doing
Crack, she was having
Withdrawal, I know the
Symptoms well by watching
Others. Plus also my
Mom used to do
Crack as well. So I know
The signs of the drug
In others.
I'd decided that I would
Speak with her, she'd
Gone back inside and
I was waiting for her to
Come back out.
I never got the chance,
For when she did come
Out, I was talking to
Someone, so that chance
Went out the window.
That was last Wednesday.
I've seen her since then,
But I still haven't had the
Chance to talk with
Her yet.
I will talk with her,
But when the chance
Will arise, I have no
Idea. Though, I will
talk with her when I've
Got the opportunity to
Do so.
I don't know know why
She'd come to this
Hell-hole, but here she
Is in this city.
One thing with Hamilton,
If you come to this
City, you have very high
Chances on getting into crack.
It's sad really.
But, Amber's a big girl,
She has the right to
Make her own choices
Even if those choices
Lead to folly.
I wonder if she knows
how our family is doing
Right now.
I'll have to ask her.
I also wonder where her
Child is. She had one
In Lambeth.
Questions, questions.
There, this is my
Update.... Seems right
Since it's been over a year
Since my last entry....
Which wasn't exactly an entry.

Tue, Jan. 24th, 2006, 02:33 am

Just a test to if this works on my cellphone. If so i may use it frequently. If not nothing lost but my time. :-)

Tue, Sep. 13th, 2005, 02:55 pm
The Body

The title for this
entry is really rather
and not one of those
"ha ha" ironies,
it's one of those really cruel
This is how it began...
I was with my friend Walter
on Saturday night, we went to his
place and hung out and had drinks,
and we drank for hours, he went
to bed and I decided to
stay up for a few more
hours and have a
few more to drink
before I go to
I finally got to bed
at about 10 am
and awoke four hours
later by Walter
waking me up telling me
he was going out,
so I stayed there
on the couch.
I couldn't fall back to sleep,
however, and so
I just rested.
At about six pm
he returns,
but he brings someone
with him.
She was an ex-fiancé
of his, he ran into
her at a drop-in centre
during the supper hour.
I'd been suffering from a
hangover for the
last few hours,
so I was in rough shape
when they came in.
Walter introduced me
to her and her name was Charleen or
Charmain, well, it was
"Char" something or other
I'm horrible with names.
They'd obviously been drinking
before they got to his place,
she was of Indian or Pakistani
descent, her parents I'm sure
were born there.
So she and Walter sat out in
the living room for about
a half hour before they went into
his room.
Meanwhile, I sat out in the living
room trying to get
over this hangover
that I had.
Over the next several hours
they both listened
to music,
You could also hear them
talking amongst themselves.
While I decided to play some Sega
that Walter had.
Every once in a while he would
come out of his room
and sit and talk with me
and then go back into his
room with her.
Eventually, I decided to watch some
The first one I watched
was Star Trek: Nemesis,
the following
was a movie with
Antonio Banderas and it was called
The Body.
It was a good movie.
I started watching
movies at about 10 pm or so,
by 11 pm, everyone was quiet.
Both of the other two
went to sleep.
Walter every few hours in the
night would wake up,
come out and sit on
the couch and talk
with me for about
five or ten minutes,
then go back into
his room and listen
to music,
the music was sort of
I was surprised that his girl friend(?)
didn't wake up from
time to time.
Much of the night I watched
movies and Walter slept
off and on.
By six something in the am
I was so completely
tired and still a little hungover,
that I decided
to finally go to
Two hours later I hear
Walter calling my name.
I was so tired I
ignored the first time
he called my name.
But, by the second time
I answered and I was
like "What?"
and he says to me
"Shayne, I think she's dead!"
I thought "yeah right",
I was a bit skeptical
about that.
I think he asks me
to check
on her,
like her pulse.
I don't remember
At any rate, I go into his
room and I see her
laying there
and it
looks like she's
but I got worried
when I saw her
as it
seem right to me.
I sat down on the bed
and I put my
finger on the
area of where
her pulse would be
I touched her skin
and knew she was
her skin was
I'd never seen a
I was immediately
in shock.
I went back into the living room
and sat back down on the couch
while Walter called the paramedics.
Do you know how disturbing
it feels when you've seen
someone dead
and even touched
a dead body?
It was something that really disturbed
it would be
accurate to say
that it freaked
me out.
The paramedics got there,
followed by the police
a very short time later.
Walter and I sat
out on the fire escape as
the police took over the apartment.
Walter by this time
was freaking out, crying, and
overall in bad shape.
I was in shock and feeling
I really didn't
know how to feel,
I just felt
I remember my stomach
was twisting knots and
my hands were
It was the start of a
When the police were
questioning Walter,
he was at times getting defensive,
and getting defensive isn't
a good thing.
I've seen it enough
on TV what happens.
You start getting defensive
with the police and
it starts making
you look a little
I'm sure because of the death,
he was already on the suspect list,
as I am sure that, because I was
there as well, I am on it also.
I mean she was
still pretty young when she
She was but a month older than Walter
himself, which is 39 years old.
So of course a death like
that will have suspicions.
While people who just up and die at her
age is not
unheard of,
it is very rare.
Even to me it all seems a little odd.
If I hadn't known Walter for so
long, I would be suspicious
that he might have had
something to do with her death,
but it does seem so odd for her
to die, so young.
Walter and I sat out on the fire escape
for quite a few hours as the
police worked the scene.
Finally, they asked him and I to
come down to the station
to get our statements.
We went downstairs and I was asked to
sit in the car, Walter went across
the street to talk to his
While I was sitting in the car,
The detective started asking me
some things about what had happened.
He also asked me if Walter was bringing me
into something and of course he
meant something bad....
like something involved with her death,
which of course Walter wasn't and said
no to him.
Neither myself or Walter knew
what caused her death,
I trust Walter enough to
think that he hadn't done
anything to her at any point while
I was in the living room.
This is what I know. She went to sleep
and she just never reawoke.
I have no idea what she could
have died from, I can only guess.
I know she was in the hospital
at some point recently
as she had on
a hospital bracelet
on her wrist;
so perhaps her death
had something to
do with that.
She could have also had
an aneurysm
or maybe she had
an undetected congenital
heart defect.
Those are only my
whether or not
any of those could be it,
I have no idea.
At any rate, we went to the
station and got our statements
done, I was there for about
an hour or just over an hour;
Walter was a little bit
longer, so the officer
who interveiwed me said
he would tell Walter where I
was gone so he could meet up with me
Walter never ended meeting up
with me, and I'd waited for
him. I suppose that he wanted
to be by himself
and I can understand
He must have been feeling
pretty wrecked.
I know I've not
felt very good myself.
The shock and numbness
is still there for me,
but there are times where
I start getting shaky hands,
depression. My stomach
knots, I have my stomach
acid burning and
I also get anxiety attacks;
I have anxiety attacks
as it is, however,
because of this I've had
a few more since yesterday.
I had one this morning just shortly after
I ran into Walter.
Overall, it's just been bad.
I feel
I really hope to God
that no one ever
has to feel this way.
It has to be the worst
sort of feeling, it's a
I don't look
at things
quite the same
Anyone who says something
I may laugh,
but it's a half-hearted one
at best.
It's constantly on my mind,
I see her laying
on the bed in my
minds eye,
remembering the cold feeling
of her skin
when I was looking for a pulse
and finding none.
I don't feel that good,
I feel pretty bad.
She seemd like a nice
though I'd only met her
for about a hlf
hour before she
went into Walters
I hadn't talked to her
after that one time
in the living room.
It's not been a good day,
not today,
not yesterday;
it's been awful.
She had died
sometime during
the night.
After 11 pm, she
was silent.
She probably died
between 10 pm and 12 midnight.
So watching a movie called
The Body
is rather a cruel irony.
Another harsh, cruel irony
is that she probably
died on
September the 11th.
I don't feel very good.
I hope I never go
This is going to
be an awful week....

Tue, Jan. 25th, 2005, 07:44 pm

So it's been a week and four days since I quit smoking.... I've only cheated twice, once last Tuesday or Wednesday and it was two cigarettes and also a couple days before that I had two as well, which was on a Sunday. Besides those days, I haven't had any. So I've been without a cigarette now for six or seven days.

The last couple of days have been the worst, yesterday being the baddest of them all. It got me contemplating actually going back to the habit, not like I paid a whole lot, only ten dollars a month and that's not counting the rolling papers I needed to buy. It's times like yesterday and the day before that makes me wish that I never started to begin with and I started 18 years ago when I was 12 years old. So I'm two years shy from smoking 20 years altogether.

Today I'm happy to say I haven't had much withdrawal pains, I've had a few, but they were bearable. So that's all well and good, I'm sure, however, I'll have days like I did yesterday, today just was a lenient day on me. I don't look forward to the bad days, it'll only server to help me to think that quiting wasn't such a good idea and make me think that I want to go back.... not something that I want really.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Fri, Jan. 14th, 2005, 01:54 pm
Well, It's Yet Another Year

Last year sucked.... Large. I mean just totally blew. Last year is one of the worst years I've had in a long time. Not that the year before last was anything but peaches, the year before last was much better than the one we just had....

So far this year hasn't started off all that great neither, it does remain to be seen if it'll turn out good; afterall it is only the beginning. One can only hope things get better. I certainly hope so, I'm tired of feeling depressed or angry. It really takes a lot out of you over time.

So I realize that it's been some time since I last updated, it wasn't because I was abandoning this journal or anything; with depression you also get the feeling of no energy and thus I haven't felt like typing in here and also I haven't had all that much to say really. Nothing of interesting importance anyway.

Lately I've been working on a website, it's very far from finished, I've only got maybe eight pages written up and many more to write. Plus with it I also have to try and learn how to use the MySQL database my site has. I've got five MySQL databases. I'm thinking about using one database for my journal, whether I install the journalling software that they provide with the accnt or download some other journalling software and install that myself. I'm undecided as yet.... The site in which I got the webspace is pretty nice. You get five free MySQL databases, 25 email accnts for free, 2 gigs worth of bandwidth, use of PHP, CGI/Perl, and tons of other nice features and all for free as well, very cool indeed. Drawback, however, is that you only get 25 megs of webspace and if you have a lot of ideas for your site, you might run out of space real quick. I also found another site that gives out the same features as the place I am now, but only lots more space and bandwidth. It's signup is always down, though. I may switch over to it, I've not decided just yet.... Eventually I will get a paid accnt, probably with the website I'm currently with, they have some sweet deals for very little money. If you'd like to check out the sites, go here KRHM Hosting the one I'm with and here Netrulon, the second link has the better deal, but as I said, the signup page is always down.

To work this site is going to take me some time, right now it pretty well all looks basic since I know very little HTML, etc. and I know nothing of PHP, CGI/Perl, SQL, and so forth. So I'll have to take the time to do so, which I can imagine will go slow. But that's fine I guess.

On another note, I quit smoking today and started on the patch.... Wonder if I'll get it right this time.

Well, I guess that's it for now.

Wed, Nov. 3rd, 2004, 06:50 pm

I knew that Dubya would win....

Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004, 02:32 pm
"It's Your Birthday....

It's your birthday, we're gonna party like it's your birthday...." Can't say I really all that much on that song, but today is my birthday. So I figure why not put up a post about it.

I'm thirty years old now, not much feels that much different. It's the same ole, same ole really. Not that I'm complaining. It's almost hard to believe that thirty years have gone by and most of those thirty being total crap. But that's all a part of life really and I accept that, mind you I don't necisarily like it, but I accept it.

Anyhow, I'm not so sure I have much else to say as nothing is coming to mind, so I guess I'll be off in that case. (o:þ

Thu, Sep. 9th, 2004, 04:42 pm
"Dude! Where's My Car?"

That line from that movie always goes through my mind whenever my friend Chad says the word dude. It also reminds me of Emma Caulfield, of Buffy The Vampire Slayer fame, when she said it when she was on a travel TV show called Wild On. In that she was with the co-host of the show (I don't rmember his name), and they were visiting a so-called haunted hotel in (I think) Florida. They sat on the floor with with a ouija board and the cameraman secretly turned on the TV in the hotel room with a remote and a starled Emma said. "Dude! Who did that?" Or something to that extent, she said exactly the way my friend Chad says it, so it's yet another reminder.

Whenever he says it I find it mildly amusing and it's usually when something particularly amusing has happened.

Funny thing about Chad is that he remembers me from high school and he remembers what I used to listen to, what my interests were and who I hung out with and wouldn't you know it, I don't remember him from those years at all. I've tried and tried to remember him from high school, but I just can't seem to. I think I have some suppressed memories and that's why I don't remember, my years at home were pretty traumatic, so therefore it seems likely that I would blot out some of my memories of school as well.

He's a good guy though, one of my closer friends.

Speaking of Emma Caulfield, seems she's been frequenting this webboard in order to give back to her fans for some of the support and what not the fans have been giving her over the years. I think that's VERY cool, it's really rare when a celeb takes the time to show their appreciation to her fans.

From what I gather, Emma posts there often, often meaning when her time permits which I believe is once a month. She posts at the site to answer questions, give updates on current projects she's working on, and probably some other things too. I only saw three posts there and that's because just recently the site suffered a crash and a lot of posts were lost, which sucks for fans for sure. I am certain, however, there will be many more posts from her in the future. Emma has also set up an email account for fans to email her, she has mentioned that she will not be able to reply to every email she recieves, Emma does, however, read everyone of them.

So if you're a fan of Emma Caulfield and want to see what she has to say, go here http://emmaforums.dark-delusion.net/ or drop her an email caulfieldemma@yahoo.com. As I mentioned, she may not be able to answer to every email she recieves, but she will read them. I may send one myself.

Thu, Sep. 2nd, 2004, 07:41 pm
Death Of Someone I knew

This guy, . I knew him. We weren't close or anything, but we were friends and I liked the guy well enough. I'd actually known him for quite a few years, I'd disappeared for a while and I finally saw him last year, he'd been gone from Hamilton for a few years, just like I had for a short time myself.

I just found out today he died, you can read a little more about it here http://www.torontopolice.on.ca/newsreleases/release.php?id=6083.

All it took was one punch and he died as a result, now he could have hit his head on the cement and that killed him, but that was the result of a punch, the guy probably hadn't intending his death or anything like that, but I do so hope the prick bastard gets what he deserves.

It's like I always say in this hard, cruel world, things aren't going to get better; only progressively worse. This is yet another death of someone I knew, the death count over the last ten years has to be at least 20 or 21 or close to it by now. That's a lot of death. That's really sad. Not to mention depressing.

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